Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
May 1st, 2009 by Austin
Michael Douglas recently visited me and warned that soon I too would take a trip into the past, present and future . . . and so we began the journey into The Ghosts of Previews Past.
The first trip took me back to 2002. There I am! I’m watching TV. I look so young . . . but angry. The TV describes the story of Benjamin Barry, an executive and ladies’ man who in order to win a big campaign bets that he can make a woman fall in love with him in 10 days. I see myself rise from the couch and write "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
I tried to tell Austin to change the channel, but before I knew it I was whisked away to a foreign land, perhaps in the English countryside, where I encountered a group of American rouges that was led by a brash, tough-guy named Denton Van Zam. Van Zam claimed to have discovered a way to kill the dragons once and for all. I was not convinced and so again I arose and wrote, "Reign of Fire."
Then I traveled further back and WoW, there’s Jennifer Lopez! I tried to tell her that I was the red rican from the block but she kept talking about how her busy yet uncomplicated life was turned upside down and this handsome doctor was the groom in the biggest wedding of her career! On the board goes: "The Wedding Planner."
I’m closer to the present - 2006. I am 28, but Tripp is 35. Tripp has an interesting job, a hip car, a passion for sailing, and a great house - trouble is, he lives with his parents. What if Paula really likes him? Who can intervene then? I’ll tell you who . . . me, writing on the board: "Failure to Launch." Even the second time around I still laughed at the one-liners I came up with on that movie title!
I’m closer to the present - 2008. There’s another Ben, but this time it’s Benjamin Finnegan. This loser is a deep-sea treasure hunter who’s certain he’s onto the find of the century in waters near an island close to Key West that is owned by a murderous rap star to whom Ben is in debt. Ben’s flat broke and recently divorced from Tess, his long-time research and diving partner whom he still loves. He claims to have found gold, but I’m not fooled . . . on the board goes, "Fool’s Gold."
My trip through previews past shed light on patterns of my behavior that I did not acknowledge the first time around . . . that when Mathew McConaughey is in a preview, I have the same reaction time and time again. A deep rage boils within . . . I laugh, but in a demented sort of way. The only way I seem to be able to relinquish this anger is by taking pen in hand and inscribing the name of the film on a piece of paper. It is pure raw instinct . . . that is how the worst movie previews began and I realize now that it began with McConaughey. I recently went to see Gran Torino with a wise friend of mine. One comment he said that sticks with me today is the idea that Clint Eastwood’s character in the movie can in many ways be indicative of Clint’s own acknowledgment of an acting career filled with films that end with him being the last man standing . . . not this time. One appreciates Gran Torino even more if he or she had seen movies of Clint Eastwood past.
Now here I stand in the present. I have seen the ghosts of previews past and what do I see now but a preview for "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past!" Yet McConaughey did not sacrifice himself like Clint did. But I have learned from my trip through previews past and I have visited the future so here is what I will do . . . I will save everyone time and put the Worst McConaughey Previews-in-Development Future on the board now:
1. The Grackle
2. Jonah and the Whale
3. Exchange Student
4. The Lincoln Lawyer
5. Brilliant
6. Hammer Down